Secrets of Adulthood...make a list!

My list of "secrets of adulthood." These include all those times my mom said "you will thank me for this one day"...

• Over the counter medicine works. Take it.
• Sleep matters 
• Take a jacket
• People don't notice your mistakes as much as you think 
• People aren't paying attention to your physical appearance nearly as much as you
• The way you make someone feel is how you will be remembered. Be thoughtful.
• Intentional movement (exercise) should always the first line of defense
• By doing a little each day, you can get a lot accomplished
• Don't put off to tomorrow what you can do today
• Allow a man the room to be a man and he will
• You can control who gets your time and energy
• You can control who gets your money
• Changing your scenery or daily routine can be energizing
• Open mail immediately and discard junk mail 
• Making your bed will instantly make your room look clean
• If you can't find something, clean up
• What you think is funny may not be funny to other people- and vice versa
• Soap and water removes most stains
• Do what ought to be done
• Love requires wholeness
• It is okay to ask for help

This idea came from "The Pursuit of Happiness" by Gretchen Rubin. Now, you should take the time to make your list! 

What I have to say.

As I am getting older, maybe maturity has taught me that what I have to say is not the most important. Maybe what I believe, and how I live a life of authenticity  reveal what I believe is most important. Living away from the south, the land of very dramatic women and glittery pretense (i can say this because I am one of them), I have become keenly aware of my intentions. I want my marriage to remain personal and intimate, I want those special moments to be special because it's between me and my husband or my friends, not because I need the whole world to form an opinion of approval about my life. 
My personality (ENFP) is one that has to stay in check. I have the ability to be way to chatty, disclose too much information and give my unsolicited opinion.  And greater than any of that, I am an entertainer. I love to make people laugh and feel good, whether it is in simple conversation or at the dinner table in my home. That entertainer part has to stay in check too! Thank goodness the God of this universe saw fit to give me life experiences that created a strong intuitive part of my personality. That intuition helps me be extremely aware of others in social situations, and brings to light how I make someone feel. One of the most valuable things I learned in all of my communications study is that we are not responsible for what we say, we are responsible for what is heard. This is the opposite of what the world tells us. 
Social media has really been driving me crazy lately. False portrayals of happiness and fullness. Everyone seeking approval. Posts of personal prayers to God (who, by the way, doesn't check His facebook). Platforms for those whose world-view has never extended past the county line. Those who are using their faith for spewing hatred and ignorance. All of these things have me a bit disenfranchised. So I suppose the question I pose is what "place" are we posting from? And what if no one "likes" it? Will your identity suffer? "Is there something about me, that if other people knew it or saw it, it would make me unworthy of connection?" 

“I only share when I have no unmet needs that I'm trying to fill. I firmly believe that being vulnerable with a larger audience is only a good idea if the healing is tied to the sharing, not to the expectations I might have for the response I get.”  -Brene Brown


PS-I am totally enthralled right now with Brene Brown, a qualitative researcher in social work from The University of Houston. She has dared go where many people will not go. The study of shame and vulnerability. I love what her research tells us about people. But more than that, I love the stories of the people around me. Brene's work offers us a tactical way to identify the modes of operation that we allow to bury us. 

Daring Greatly. Author Brene Brown.

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness. 

Put the needle on the record

This record console has turned into one of our favorite things.Old records playing while cooking dinner, maybe an occasional spurt of slow-dancing. My grandfather's records are being put to good  use. He would be very proud! All in all, it was a wonderful $60 spent!

Stay. Be Present.

It has been a while since I have offered any musings on this blog; and there is a reason for that. I have been quiet lately, pondering "being present". Posting less; taking pictures of "myself." I want to be present- present in my current life, present with my friends, present with my husband, present in my goings and comings. I don't want to miss the living that is happening around me because I was too busy trying to convince people that I live a great life.  I want to respect intimacy by keeping the sweet moments for myself. I want to respect quality friendships. I want, more than anything else, to remain in a place of authenticity.

"You know it's funny what's happened to us; our lives have become digital, our friends virtual. Anything you could ever want to know is just a click away. Experiencing the world through endless secondhand information isn't enough. If we want authenticity, we have to initiate it." 

                                                                                                            -from the movie Art of Flight

DIY Beauty Secrets

I am not the expert on cosmetics or esthetic services, but I have dabbled in my fair share of eye shadow palettes and for goodness sakes, worn a swimsuit in heels on a televised preliminary to the Miss America pageant. I love makeup, I am not going to lie. I will not flinch when I whip out my debit for $60 on two new eye colors. I think it's woman's best accessory. (Unless you have an ugly heart, and then, well, the only help for you is Jesus, not the MAC counter).The problem is that women get overwhelmed by the rules of "beauty" and makeup and give up on it all together. We all know a disenfranchised woman who forgot how to take care of her own skin and beauty somewhere along her journey of being a wife and mom or focusing on her career. 
When I found out we were moving to Colorado, I felt this pressure the ditch the blush, purchase Teva sandals and secure a hippy headband for going out. I wish, oh how I wish, I could look "J Crew" with hair tosseled up in a hot-mess on top of my head, wearing head-to-toe khaki, but I am not "J Crew" never have been and never will be. (I think I said those exact words to an ex-boyfriend once). I am a designer-jean-with-wedge-sandal, blousy-top, hoop-earring-wearing, never leaves home without lipgloss kind of lady. 
I have had several people ask me if I would teach them how to do smokey eye-makeup or how to walk in heels, both of which, I think are rights of passage as a female, ha! I often say to women: ask any man you know,what type of shoe is most attractive!?!. And if you hear a man who complains about women wearing makeup or being "dressed up" it's probably a reflection of their own insecurity. No woman has ever been faulted for their beauty, especially by a man. 
So I want to share some important tips; just in case you don't know them: 
1) The big 3: eyebrows, eyelashes and lips.
Often the eyebrow is overlooked. Filling them in with a powder or pencil frames your eyes and is VERY IMPORTANT. I have thin hair and thin, sparse eyebrows, so this is a necessity for me, even when I am going ala-naturale. Go to a makeup counter (I prefer MAC or Sephora) and ask them to show you their favorite powder or pencil. You will love how this, when done correctly, makes your eyes look. Another rule: you shall not have bold eyes and bold lips at same time. We call this a "clown." If you do dark eye, go with nude-glossy lip; bold lips choose a light eye color. 
2) Apply blush according to shape of your face and the shape of your face when you smile. Get help with this.
3) Remove hair from your face. Often.Whichever method you choose: dermaplane at local spa, waxing, shaving, electrolysis... You will be amazed how good it looks and how your makeup stays on longer when the extra layer of fine hair is removed. Your face will look slimmer in photos as well, because the flash catches that layer of fine hair in the photo. 
4) Keep nail polish remover handy. Especially if you are a professional. Nothing worse than a three-week-old burgundy nail polish on half of your nails. 
5) Don't blow dry your hair in the same room you took your shower where it is hot and steamy. And try to angle your hairdryer above your head, blowing down. This is one reason our hair looks so smooth when we leave the salon, because they are styling our hair from above us, making fly-aways lie flat.
6) Use a black sharpie on your scuffed shoes, or your husband's shoes. (or brown for brown shoes).
7) Find the right bra. Round and perky = younger appearance. Self-explanatory.
8) Floss and Whiten. Your gums should be pink, not red. Pink gums are interpreted as healthy even to the untrained eye. Many times people ask me about tooth whitening because I used to be a hygienist. The goal is your tooth color match the whites of your eyes. That is typically what is considered appealing.
9) Witch Hazel is cheap astringent for your skin and used to be the only astringent for the older generation.
10) Be careful with powders around your eyes. If you are like me, you have wrinkles and laugh lines and powder makes them more noticeable.  

Such quibbling over semantics may seem petty stuff

Since I am a sociology and communication nerd, I am always intrigued how someone's choice of words and tone are misunderstood, misapplied and overtime create unintended opinions and sever open channels of communication. I love to see trends that originate from television shows like Saturday Night Live and Sex and the City that spread across generations. Often times, we do not know the origin or implications of the phrases we are using. 
There are a few words from pop culture that have been exhausted in modern rhetoric. This is my platform to talk about it. I am just as guilty as anyone. Can we all agree that we will find ways to use these words less in the upcoming days? Can we? (is anybody out there?)(does anybody care?)
Let's start with "Hubby." Your husband has a name. And frankly, hubby, sounds more emasculating than putting him in your dress. Next time you want to be cute and call him "hubby" to your girlfriends or on facebook, pause for a moment and think about using another term of endearment- like his name or just the old fashioned "Husband"; it will never go out of style. And I bet, he might prefer a new nickname too!
The second one is "Epic". I know the younger generation has discovered this new adjective to describe your heroes in the Twilight Saga and The Hunger Games; but this isn't a new word, it's been used for a long, long time. This word shall not be overused to describe things that are, in fact, not epic.
Another is "Fail." As a stand-alone word used in a derogatory context or in combination with "epic." From talking about rednecks to the government, I admit, the posters that circulated through email forwards were funny, but now it's just gotten outta hand!  It was funny the first time. 
One that I am extremely guilty of is "Really?" using the same tone of voice as in SNL skit "Really? With Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler." Recently someone used "Really!?" toward me, I didn't like the way it made me feel-very defensive about what I had just said, and that my words were not valid. This tone implies shame to the listener and more than likely creates some insecurity in that relationship. So I should probably stop saying "Really!?!" in a sarcastic context. 
And last but not least, let's agree to stop using this phrase "I'm not a ______ person" to label our self with our preferences or our dislike for something. My theory is that it feels more comfortable or less-invasive using this phrase rather than sounding as if you are complaining by saying "I don't like ____." For example: "I'm not a cheese person" or "I'm not a jeans person" or "I'm not a beach person" or "I'm not a television person" or "I'm not a seafood person" or "I'm not a  fill-in-the-blank person". I think these labels of give others permission to place labels on us. So let's stop and go back to the original means of expressing our likes and dislikes.

I hope you have found an ounce of humor in this bit of communication theory. Heather's theory.

Mother may I?

It's the cliche answer to the common question...who is your role model? Most everyone I know would say "my momma." I think it takes about 18 years of life before a young person really begins to give credit where credit is due. Now I am 32 and I find myself cherishing memories that my mom gave me, beyond incredibly difficult circumstances. The more I know about my personality, love languages and work ethic, the more I realize that we really are just one big grown up version of our childhood.

My mom grew up with polio and all the physical challenges it brought her. She lost her husband at the age of 34 years old. Mother of three. That's only two years older than me. While I do not remember his passing, I do remember the "pink elephant in the room" that was the underlying story of the emotions in our home. But, I had a healthier home with one parent than many have with the presence of two parents. My momma, strong as nails, never, not once, let anyone feel sorry for us. She put her emotions aside on our behalf. She is a picture of dignity and pride. She is a picture of great fortitude. And she NEVER EVER COMPLAINS.

She taught me to hold my shoulders up because everyone looks skinnier when they stand up straight and suck in. By watching her, I learned to smile and greet people, even if they were a stranger. She taught me how to cook without using a recipe (a trait that has paid off!) I still hear my mom saying "if you will just take 2 minutes and make up your bed, it will make your room look clean, and you'll be glad to come home to a made bed." She also never leaves the house without makeup and hates it when I do, ha! She never made an excuse for laziness. She made us fight our own battles and didn't try to fight them for us. Most of all, she had expectations for us. We knew we were expected to "do right" and make wise choices. Always. She raised three kids, who are independent and successful, all by herself. I think that's a modern day hero. Don't you?

April showers brought May flowers. 2011. True Story...

I said to Daniel last week, "Do you remember where we were this time last year?" Final arrangements for our May 20th wedding were being made; spending quality time with folks that I wanted to share this special time; organizing how my 'stuff' including my car would be transported to West Virginia after the wedding. We had already concluded our April bridal showers and going-away parties and had moved on to daydreaming about going to Negril after our wedding. We were getting ready for a new adventure to say the least.

 Referring to your life as "chapters" or "seasons" is not uncommon rhetoric, but for me, it was applicable in every single area of my life. In February of 2011,Daniel proposed with a big-blingin'-diamond and we planned for an engagement that was only about 10 weeks long. I rented out my Northeast Jackson townhome and turned the keys over to a renter(little did I know she didn't like to pay rent, but I'll spare you that story). Walking away from that townhouse where so many memories were made; memories of fun and memories of struggles that came with the single 20's. The living room where I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning finishing papers for Graduate School; the deck in back where many conversations with friends took place; the front yard where a tornado traveled and required me to earn a green thumb. The only thing missing, when I locked the door for the last time, was a classic U2 song to properly soundtrack the moment. I drove away from a job that I dearly loved aside from its travel demands; I developed many life-changing skills and relationships; where I developed a deep passion for young people making wise choices about their future. Most importantly, I drove away from a chapter of my life where I found an understanding of the society around me and the differences among it's people. I wept harder than I think I ever have as I drove away. I knew what I had invested my heart and soul in, was now just a piece of my story. I left a church, Pinelake, that stood as a rock for me; shifting my focus when my world felt like it was crumbling at times. A body of people who urged me to press in deeper with my understanding and passion for the Lord's call on my life.

 All of those changes make me reflect back on such a sweet, sweet season. The act of merging my life with Daniel's felt so natural and so true. I don't ever want to forget it, how I felt the newness I believed the Lord provides us when we ask. I was surrounded by unwavering love of the people whom I hold very dear to my heart. You see, for many many years, I was the one planning the showers and throwing parties for my friends in their season of weddings and babies. To be on this side as a recipient was surreal moment. We are approaching our first anniversary and it has been a year of excitement and renewal. People talk so poorly about the first year of marriage, and to you, I would like to say, you were wrong. Way wrong. It has been everything I hoped it would be and more. And while those tears I shed about leaving such familiarity behind were necessary, I am so incredibly confident that Daniel and I are in the right place, together. I can't believe, we are approaching our first wedding anniversary. I have blogged many times this year about the changes and my gratefulness for my husband, and you might be totally annoyed by it. But what better part of life to celebrate, right?

Southern charm. Allow me to indulge for a bit...

I'll be the first to admit, I can't tolerate a redneck or those Southern Belle t-shirts. And sure enough, I have heard "where are you from, you have an accent" or "oh well that must be a southern thing" more times than I care to hear.
But every once in a while, I meet someone here in Colorado, who has experienced the "southern" where I come from and they understand what is to be desired. Blame it on Southern hospitality, but I think, perhaps, it is something more. A different quality or definition of kindness and community. A place where beef stew is still brought to the house of a sick friend. A place where favors are given freely because reciprocity is a way of life. And even though I am surrounded by kindness, by yoga, by beautiful landscapes beyond measure, I am homesick. I am not talking fried chicken or Pawluh Deeeeen. (Well, maybe I do miss crowder peas and can't find them in any supermarket anywhere). I am talking about family, enthusiasm, culture, and for-goodness-sakes, a full-bloom azalea bush in all her springtime glory. I have been away from Jackson for almost a year now. At first, it was like I was on a vacation with my new husband playing house. Now, we are settled into a place we plan to stay for a bit; I am working, he is working, we have set up our home and just now, with our warm weather, I am feeling the distance. 1200 miles to be exact. Not driving distance.
I am missing the familiarity of Jackson with places like Keifers, Julep and the patio at La Cazuela where I would meet up with my girls after work. The familiarity of going to anywhere and knowing at least one person there. The welcome culture of getting-together for food and laughter. Or just sitting in the front yard of Tracy's gorgeous Belhaven neighborhood while her girls climb on me. Maybe it's my momma's couch or my sister's big 'ole back porch on a warm Saturday with waterballoon fights with the neighbors. Or the creativity and passion of my artsy friends who choose to live life to its fullest. Or the fact that I can stomp my foot and raise my voice a few octaves so Courtney Yancey knows exactly my level of excitement! I suppose it's the 3 decades in the same place that gave me an appreciation of a life filled with rich relationships and meaningful circles of influence.
We love the weather of Colorado with her beautiful blue skies and constant breeze. We deeply appreciate being in one of the most beautiful parts of this country and experiencing the recreation it has to offer. I love sharing a home with a magnificent man who, at the risk of sounding cliche, is my soulmate and best friend. We wouldn't change it for the world.
While we are preparing to host an Easter lunch in our home on Sunday for some new friends (25-30 people to be exact), we are missing celebrating this holiday with my family and friends. It's time for new memories. And at the very least, I hope they feel the southern charm of deviled eggs and a warm home where they are always welcome.