Heartbroken.

That is the only word I can use to describe the loss I (we) have experienced. It has been a month since I got the call that Roxanne had experienced the unimaginable. It has been a month since a hilarious text from her. A month since Ruby has seen her mother.

I have cried at some point every single day since July 7th.

I am carrying on in our new town and meeting new people. I want to wear a sign around my neck that says "I am smiling and seem ok, but inside I am a mess because one of my favorite people on this earth is gone. Please excuse my crying outbursts, I will be ok."

Grief is not new in my life. Grief has been the undertone of my life since my father passed away when I was a child. I lost both of my grandparents in my mid-20s. But I was not ready for this. I was not read to lose someone who brought such humor and fun to my life.

We are never ready for grief are we? It's not something you prepare for. It's not something that you get to practice in advance. I feel like this may have been easier to swallow if we had warning- if she had been suffering and death would have eased her.

Grief makes me feel overwhelmed with the most simple tasks, it makes me short-tempered and it makes me so so tired. It has made me feel like I am completely out of control. It has made me fearful of illogical things.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” 
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

But grief does not steal my hope. Grief will not steal my hope.
I know that the Lord does not forsake His children. He has not forgotten us. He has not abandoned us. Jesus came to rescue us. He casts out all fear. Jesus shows us how to live when we don't want to carry on.

Because the weight of this would surely sink us.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  

-Psalm 34:18