I have a friend here in Colorado Springs who is the best listener I have ever met. Her name is Sarah Smith. She is a busy mom of two baby boys, yet she asks me questions about things we talked about MONTHS AGO! She knows the names of my siblings and my nieces and nephews who live across the country. She remembers what I have mentioned liking and things I dislike. I want to be a listener like her. I want to be a friend like her. I want to ask the questions that make people feel known.
We have the power to give life with our words. We have the power to heal with our words. We have the power to open hearts with our words. The problem is that when we live with someone day-in and day-out, we forget to craft those words.
Today, as Daniel was leaving, instead of saying the typical "Have a good day" (WHATEVER THAT MEANS!?!?!?) I chose different words. As he was getting in the car, I said "Make someone feel special today." He has the power to do that very thing, especially in his position of authority.
I love what this writer says about not asking her kids "How was your day" and the questions she asks them instead. I hope you will read her entire blog, here is the gist....
Portion from the original blog by Glennon Melton
Through therapy, we learned to ask each other better questions. We learned that if we really want to know our people, if we really care to know them -- we need to ask them better questions and then really listen to their answers. We need to ask questions that carry along with them this message: "I'm not just checking the box here. I really care what you have to say and how you feel. I really want to know you." If we don't want throwaway answers, we can't ask throwaway questions. A caring question is a key that will unlock a room inside the person you love.
So Craig and I don't ask "How was your day?" anymore. After a few years of practicing increasingly intimate question asking, now we find ourselves asking each other questions like these:
When did you feel loved today?
When did you feel lonely?
What did I do today that made you feel appreciated?
What did I say that made you feel unnoticed?
What can I do to help you right now?
I know. WEEEEEIRRD at first. But not after a while. Not any weirder than asking the same damn empty questions you've always asked that elicit the same damn empty answers you've always gotten.
And so now when our kids get home from school, we don't say: "How was your day?" Because they don't know. Their day was lots of things.
Instead we ask:
How did you feel during your spelling test?
What did you say to the new girl when you all went out to recess?
Did you feel lonely at all today?
Were there any times you felt proud of yourself today?
And I never ask my friends: "How are you?" Because they don't know either.
Instead I ask:
How is your mom's chemo going?
How'd that conference with Ben's teacher turn out?
What's going really well with work right now?
Questions are like gifts -- it's the thought behind them that the receiver really FEELS. We have to know the receiver to give the right gift and to ask the right question. Generic gifts and questions are all right, but personal gifts and questions feel better. Love is specific, I think. It's an art. The more attention and time you give to your questions, the more beautiful the answers become.
Life is a conversation. Make it a good one.
1 comment:
These are the same questions many specialists advise parents of children on the spectrum to use- but makes sense for everyone, no matter the age or need. It really does make a difference. :)
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