An unpublished blog from March 2014....
It seems like the past three months have been filled with sickness, searching and surrender. It has been almost two full months since blogging last. I think my last post was written while I was high on prescription steroids to fight pneumonia. It's taken a while, but my lungs and sinuses are on the mend from a tough winter season. And I am glad to see summer on the way! (Colorado summers are what gets me through the snowy season!)
I am 24 hours away from starting a new chapter in my life professionally. This is bringing a 6-month chapter of waiting to an end. I left my job in a local school district in October to gain clarity, to find parts of me that had been lost, to attempt to "sell myself" as a consultant, to dream about my own business, to spend some time in the home we had just purchased, and most of all to wait for the next stage. It was a feeling that was hard to explain to others. Most people looked at me with confusion when I couldn't answer their question "what are you going to do now?" I realized that I was leaving a paycheck behind and that is a place of vulnerability for most of us. Vulnerabilty that feels like a blindfold made of steel wool. But I knew I needed to leave and the only answer I could muster was "I will WAIT for the right opportunity."
Over the last 6 months, I have had various consulting gigs that have kept me busy. I have also had snowy days where I didn't get out of my pajama pants until 3pm (just in time to spot-clean the house and convince Daniel that I had been productive.) Those days are not good for me. There have been days of disappointment when a potential client didn't respond to a proposal I had sent, there were days that I had three projects happening at once. One thing was consistent though, I was waiting.
I have sat at our dining table toiling and praying and crying and toiling some more.
Most people see me as a free-spirit, but in this waiting I had turned into a worrier. The Lord showed me time and time again that when I draw near to Him, that is the only place where I find peace. When I have been awake at 4am with my bible in my lap, that is where I find answers. When my soul longs for Him, my needs are met. Why do we ever doubt that?
Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.
